Clown...

This is a short story for a short story class. I was bidden to choose three authors and create a story which, I hope, has some sort of a connection to all three. These are; Hemingway, Rhys and Poe. I had hoped to capture the essence of each and all together... 

I lived in a nice city. A big city; where people are supposed to grow up and be successful. If not, then they are subtly instructed by their own survival instinct to act like they are. Smiling is a must, in a big city, no one likes to see another frowning. It is the only art worth learning well. It is easy, so easy, to walk with chest out and chin up, to look at others, passing you by in the exact same fashion. We are all successful, our steaming cups and polished shoes speak for us. But it is so easy to brew and polish. No one will ever know, no one will want to wonder into what is underneath the new jacket, what hides under the brushed hat.  I learned that early on, when I used to wonder around this glazed wasteland as a girl. I never liked my reflections then, in the window panes of the shops that lined the streets. It looked back at me frowning, looking after the people scurrying about with a longing and an eerie gleam in the eyes that I never supposed I had.

I only liked one street in that city. It had the old flair of days I only read about in books. The cafes were my favorite, they figured on every corner, their colourful umbrellas bright against the champagne sun. They coloured the people underneath them to look like stuffed animals and dolls. Happy colours. I paid particular attention to the design, the spirals in the steel, those were pretty. I use to imagine strong men, like in the circus, bending the ends of tables and chairs into those coils. And the tables were all nailed to the pavement. I knew that no matter what, those tables would be standing, with their pretty legs, no matter what.

It reassured me.

But it was that street itself that finally convinced me to follow my heart. My reflection always smiled when I looked into the shop windows on that street. And the cobbled stone ways gave the appearance of a culture that you could not find anywhere here. I used to count them, sitting under a colorful umbrella, smiling.

The sun never set on that street, whenever I took the trip across the city to see it, it would be bathed in light. Like in the paintings, there was a look to it. When the sun hit the windows of the old, crumbling buildings just so, it would scatter to the populace below and everything would become a mysterious soup of glitter and smiling faces. Even the pigeons scattered around and underneath the nailed tables boxing each other for the crumbs of croissant, seemed more regal, less gray, gray like the city beyond that street.

I would flee before night came. I was afraid of seeing that antiquated splendor grow cold, lose its pulse and blend right in with the by ways I had to suffer through on my way back.

A new acquaintance suggested a trip, a job was available overseas, he said. Good paying, and I could pick where I wanted to go. He said he had connections in many cities. I had met him underneath a green umbrella. He had been coming to the café for a while and I had seen him before, but now he approached me and struck up conversation.

He liked to talk, I realized, and felt saddened for him. He told me about wonderful architecture, small, curving streets of old cities. “You like old places?” he asked me once. I nodded. I liked him because he did not smile. I wanted to live in a city that was like this street! I wanted sunshine; I wanted old cafes, great big buildings made out of huge blocks of stone, not flimsy --  unbreakable, strong, just like the cobble stoned street. The past was strong, sturdy, beautiful. The present was a shallow echo for that and I knew that there would be none of it in the future for me.

I wanted to go back to the future I had no place in and carve out a piece of that curved steel for myself. My reflection was smiling again as I made my way, peeking into the store within. It was empty, a few newspapers littered the floor, and an old cash register stared blankly back at me. But its outside was so pretty! Windowpanes and a beautiful wooden door and an old peeling sign. It was almost entirely invisible, but I saw the sign well. “Move & Co.”

The next day, the man was back. I agreed, I’d leave within the week. He slipped me a piece of paper with an address I was supposed to travel to, in Paris. There was a friend there, he said, “He will take care of you until you can stand up on your own.” I took the slip, he also passed me an envelope, it was a bit puffy, it reminded me of the skin under my Mother’s eyes. I didn’t look inside.

In two days time I was away. I had come back to say farewell to the street one last time. I sat underneath a red umbrella, the man did not come.

I dreamed of wide, arching passages dancing with the afternoon wind. Alabaster colonnades that reached to the sky, underneath which there were young girls selling bouquets of fragrant violets that I could bury myself in! I saw fountains flowing with merry water. To sit on their edge and partake in the pride of the people allowed to call themselves citizens!

And then I was there, climbing the narrow, rickety staircase. There were words written on the peeling paint. I could not understand them, just like I could not understand the people outside. The words coming out of people’s mouths reminded me of the curved iron I had wanted, beautiful, cold.

The friend was there all right, he was waiting, he said, for about an hour. I let him know I couldn’t understand the language. His eyes shone with tears, but he was smiling.

When I would walk to my place, I would only look at the cobblestones I stepped on. People did not smile here, they rushed forward, just like in my city. So I kept my eyes downcast, catching snippets of conversation as I passed by, I did not want to understand what they were saying, eventually though, I did.

The sun never shone where I worked. I would only look up when I got there too, I would tilt my head as far as it would go to see the tip of the famous tower. I would look at the steel, at the long, straight lines crisscrossing along the length of it, I would touch the very bottom, and I would hate it. I’d walk around and around it, getting slightly dizzy and then I’d need to crouch and hold my head just to steady my spinning mind. I’d heave out the innards of myself, colorful umbrellas and curled bits of steel, and wonder. Is this it?

Mostly though, I hated that squatting man underneath it. I would make my rounds, casually walking around the tower, as unassuming as I could possibly be. I became what they desired; nothing to stand out, no distinct colour, hair, dress… Plain, fitting with the background. A face to forget, or to fill in.

But that man was always there, crouching. A beggar, I thought at first, there were enough of those around. But he never got anything. In fact, people passed him by as if he didn’t exist. No, I became convinced only I could see him. I would look at him and he would look at me and that’s it. He never made a sound.

I remember a lady passing by me once, she glanced at me quickly, a flutter of a eyelid before she scurried away. I looked after her, her ankles were so thin, and in her high, new shoes she looked like the tower, she also looked like she was going to collapse on the cobblestones. Her legs looked unable to support her at all. But she never saw the man, looked right through him, through me.

I must describe, for he fascinates me as well as taunts. His face is painted thick with makeup, the smile on it as bright as the colours underneath the umbrellas. And he just looks at me. Sometimes, when the sky isn’t sullen, I can see him giggle, but only if I crouch right down over him. He never touches me, so it is allright. Mostly though, he cries. But that smile I painted on is always in place…